Are You Done?

Ever since giving birth to Gideon and Aidan, everyone assumes that I’m done having children. You wouldn’t believe the strange things that people say to the parents of twins.

“Hey, at least you got it all done in one swoop!” (Um… tell that to my saggy belly skin or my poor hips!)

“I’m so sorry… Better you than me though!”

“So did you get your tubes tied or did your husband get snipped?”

“You are done now, right?

I know people don’t mean to be rude, but those comments hurt my heart…

How can people say they feel sorry for me? I have two beautiful, healthy baby boys! I get to spend all day breathing in the smell of their tiny heads and losing myself in their gummy smiles.

These boys are an answer to my prayers. When I went into preterm labor, we were discussing the possibility of them dying… There is nothing to be sorry about, but there is plenty to praise God for!

And when people start to inquire about whether I am done or not, I don’t know what to say. To be honest, I think I’ll always want more children. I’ll never want to give up the empowerment that comes from growing a human in my womb. I will always want to witness the miracle of another tiny human coming into the world. I will never want to give up the newborn snuggles and fuzzy haired toddlers running around the house.

So yes, I do want more. I don’t know if God will see fit to give us more, but a big part of me hopes that He does.

When I allow myself to think about the fact that someday I will rock one of my children for the last time, my heart shatters. How could I ever be done with that?

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10 Fun Things to Do in Autumn

Fall is finally here and I am extremely excited! There is so much to do and so little time. Below I have made a list of my top 10 Autumn activities. Share your Autumn Bucket List items in the comments!

  1. Visit a pumpkin patch
  2. Attend a fall festival
  3. Go apple picking
  4. Attend a high school football game
  5. Take family photos
  6. Bake pumpkin quick bread
  7. Bake an apple crisp
  8. Make s’mores
  9. Make popcorn balls
  10. Picnic in the mountains

Aidan and Gideon’s Arrival

It was June 26, 2017, when Dr. Schindler told me to head to the hospital for an induction. (I was 35 weeks and 6 days pregnant at the time.) Her words set in motion an excited fury of packing, babysitter arranging, and nervous chatting. Spencer and I sat in the hospital parking lot munching on McDonalds and discussing how strange this all was. We were about to begin the labor process after weeks of attempting to hold it off. It all felt so surreal.

Although we checked into the hospital around 11:30am, the induction process didn’t get fully underway until around 4:30pm. Before the Pitocin was turned on, I received IV antibiotics for Strep B and the anesthesiologist placed an epidural just in case Gideon had to be manually removed.

I’ve always heard that Pitocin is a nightmare drug, but honestly it wasn’t that bad. The contractions came hard and strong, but even with the epidural turned all the way down they still weren’t as bad as my back labor with Renee. I was able to talk with all of our family that came to visit and I even kept people updated on Facebook.

Everything changed once my water was broken though. Around 9pm Dr. Schindler broke Aidan’s water. Instantly, the pelvic pressure and contractions got intense. I asked the nurse for some stronger medicine and she sent the anesthesiologist back in to give me a spinal. Let me tell you, that was a miracle drug. I was instantly numb from the neck down. With that in my system all we had to do was wait. I was already measuring 8 cms so we knew the end was in sight.

Around 1:30am Dr. Schindler returned to check me. Much to our surprise I was already dilated to a 10, and Aidan’s head was almost crowning! The room instantly got chaotic. Two NICU teams rushed in, lots of nurses, and some techs. I barely had to push for Aidan to pop out. When they laid him on my belly, I instantly felt pure love. I had never seen a baby so tiny. I carefully ran my fingers through his hair and whispered lovingly to him. It killed me when the nurses came and whisked him away to the warmer.

As the NICU team looked over Aidan, I could see that something was wrong. Suctioning noises could be heard and my husband’s face looked concerned. One of the nurses kept saying that he was fine, but I didn’t believe her. The doctor told me to focus on pushing out Gideon, but how was I supposed to do that when one of my children was struggling for breath?

With all the willpower I could muster, I pushed. Since Gideon was the bigger baby, it was more of a process. Dr. Schindler had to reach up into my uterus and pull him out. Thankfully, I didn’t feel much of that due to the spinal. He must have looked very blue, because they barely let me touch his head before carrying him away too.

After a few minutes of attempting to stabilize both babies, they were rolled away to the NICU, with my husband following behind. I laid in the bed without my family,  bleeding and heartbroken. This wasn’t the way I imagined their birth going…

Thankfully, Aidan would return to us within an hour. He instantly latched onto my breast and my Mama instincts took over. Gideon on the other hand, would be battling a lung infection for four days in the NICU.

I’m still trying to process all that happened that day… I will tell you this though, twin pregnancy is the most difficult, but most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. I wish my boys had a better entrance into the world, but I am thankful that they are both here and healthy now. Things could have been a lot worse.

Five Minute Friday: Visit

Here I am switching sides of the couch yet again, trying to get comfortable, while my twin boys twist and turn in my womb. My ribs are bruised, my skin stretched tight, and my spirit is slightly downcast. I am in the final weeks of pregnancy, but the days seem endless.

There is a certain irony in this waiting for my due date, while the Church awaits the Feast of Pentecost… There is this feeling of desperation in my bones. As I waited for the ultrasound technician to arrive at my Biophysical Profile last week, I uttered ceaseless “Hail Mary’s” under my breath. As I pull a chair up to the icon corner each morning I lose myself in the eyes of Christ Pantocrator and beg Him to give me the strength to continue.

I am trying to remain positive about my pregnancy, but it is hard. I must say that I am thankful that I am still mobile enough to clean the house and snuggle with my girls. I am grateful that my pregnancy has been without any major complications. I am happy that Aidan and Gideon are both chunky and growing ahead of schedule. But still there is this nagging feeling that I can’t go on much longer…

Come, Holy Spirit, fill my weary soul with courage and strength.

Come, Holy Spirit, visit our world and bring us peace.

Come, Holy Spirit, and usher the lost into the Kingdom of Heaven.

 

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Our Pascha in Photos

This was our family’s third Pascha since converting to Orthodoxy. The Lord has blessed us with three years of spiritual growth and beautiful memories. Pascha is now my favorite holiday of the year, and I am doing my best to instill that love in my children as well! This year our festivities included daily Holy Week services, the Paschal Vigil, 2 egg hunts, a HUGE feast, and of course dyeing eggs. We had a blast and are now all in recovery mode.

I wanted to share a few pictures of our celebration with you!

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Emptiness

Good Friday is upon us and my soul is filled with sadness. Perhaps it is the extra hormones rushing through my pregnant body, but I can’t stop thinking of how Mary must have felt as she watched her Son go limp on the cross… The same hands she held were pierced with nails. The same baby toes she was overwhelmed with the desire to kiss, were now stained with blood. She must have felt so empty…

Tonight my soul longs for Pascha. My heart misses the bells on the censor and the decorated altar. I want to proclaim “Christ is Risen from the dead,” but for now the house is quiet.

Crickets are chirping in the darkness outside.

An ambulance is parked in front of our neighbors house.

An amber alert for two children was announced on the radio.

Tonight the world mourns…

“O my people, what have I done to you? How have I offended you? Answer me!

I gave you a royal sceptre, but you gave me a crown of thorns.

I raised you to the height of majesty, but you have raised me high on a cross.”

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When God Made You

I recently purchased a children’s book titled, “When God Made You” by Jane G. Meyer. The book showcases children from around the world, and poetically describes what God was thinking as He created them. The illustrations are stunning and the message of the book is uplifting. It will make a perfect addition to my girls’ Pascha baskets.17797297_771529353011470_2120100665_o

Inspired by the story, I decided to write up little descriptions that define what God was thinking as He made my girls. My attempts aren’t quite as eloquent as the original author, but I think they fit my girls perfectly.

When God made Renee, He plucked a dandelion from the earth, sprinkled glitter on top of it, gently wrapped it in a bright colored package, and refined it in fire. He blindfolded the beautiful little soul He had just created and with a laugh He revealed His surprise and said, Renee, PLAY.

When God made Nora, He mixed giggles, smiles, and snuggles in a large sandbox. He added a few sprinkles of spunk and a pinch of a apple seeds. He poured the blend into a heart shaped mold and said, Nora, LOVE.

 

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